That moment when...

You get so attached to character's in a book, that it's like you know them.  You are going through what they're going through, when they hurt, you hurt.  You are in the story.

I just finished reading My Sister's Keeper.  I read like the whole end half of the book today.  I teared up a bit, but kept myself under control.  The very last chapter killed me though.  And then I decided to be all deep and have profound thoughts. So I am writing in my blog.

I try not to think about losing people.  Oddly enough, I sometimes think about what would happen if I were to die.  I think about it more than is probably normal and sane.  (I am not suicidal or anything)  It's just that sometimes I will be crossing the street and wonder, "What if that car wasn't slowing down for me?"  Or I will be driving across an intersection and think, "What if that guy was texting and didn't see his light was red?"  Then I wonder if dying will hurt, will I have a big funeral with lots of people to come see me, will my friends from college drive or fly all the way to say one last good bye to me, what stories will my parents and sibling share, how will people remember me?

It's honestly not morbid, I just wonder sometimes, because you never know when you'll be standing at death's door.

One thing I can't do though, is think about losing people I love.  This hits me right in the core.  I can't even imagine it. 

What if Tatiana wasn't here to badger me about who I last kissed, when I am going to get married or if I am in love with my best friend?

What if Becca wasn't here to make me laugh at two in the morning, or to tell me how weird I am constantly?

What if Jenessa wasn't here to make stupid music videos with or to sing (shout) in the car with me?

What if Mckenna was gone and wasn't here to say the things that make us laugh without her trying?

Or what if TJ was missing and I couldn't yell at him one more time for being loud, or see him run to hug me when I haven't seen him all day?

And my parents are an entirely different story.  I can't write anymore because I am crying, but I just hope that they know how much I care about them and I know that I take them for granted, but I am glad they are mine, and I don't ever want to live without them.

(Katrina Marie)